Random Ponderings

I'm moving back to Ellensburg today. Yeah!! I'm so very excited to get the fuck out of Idaho, I don't think any of you can really understand. This is such a god forsaken place. But, it was a learning experience, and it helped me realize where I need and want to be right now in my life. Anyway, I also found out that I got a REALLY great deal working as a TA at Central next year, so things are falling in line over there. Now, if only there were a boy over there, everything would be perfect. But that will be easier to do once I'm actually living there.

I live in a cave. Dark and alone, blinds blocking out the sights of sunshine and happy little frat boys and sorority girls laying on the grass, gossiping, laughing, talking, pretending to do homework. Who knew that a frat would play nothing but Jack Johnson and Ben Harper for hours? Don't get me wrong, I love Jack, but not right now. He reminds me of a time when things seemed simpler, more hopeful, with less pain surrounding me. I was starting out on a new adventure, my heart had healed enough from my last love that I could look to the future and see the sun, rather than more betrayal and rejection. So I close the blinds, trying to block out the fact that today is the type of day I love and that normally I would be out enjoying the heat and the sun like everyone else. But I'm not. I stay inside, because this way it's easy to hide the reason I'm alone -- because I don't have anyone to be with. If I just stay here, it's like I'm by myself out of choice.

The daily trudge to the mailbox is done. Nothing again. I don't know what I'm looking for. Something to make me happy, something to lighten up my melancholy for a moment. A letter, a note, a card. A check for my tax refund, already mentally spent and gone. I feel out of place outside. Dark blue pajama pants, black sweatshirt with the hood pulled up. Haven't even found a reason to shower or get dressed today. I say it's because I'm sick, but I know that's not it. I am sick, but it's more than the runny nose and the coughing. It's the emptiness in my heart, the gaping hole that was already there, running red with fresh blood from the wound reopened.

I had hoped that things might work out differently than he said, that we could still be friends, that things could go back to how they had been. That hope had made a scab over the wound from knowing he would never love me. But if I could still have him as a friend, not all would be lost. I would still have him near, I could still care for him and take care of him. That scab, and the hope it was made of, are gone now. Picked away, leaving an open, oozing, bleeding gash on a heart already so covered in scars and wounds. He doesn't think that being around each other is a good choice, that we should avoid one another. Why, I don't know. But that's the way it is now. I've lost the first person to really understand me in a long time.

His voice on a tape recorder. For a project. Seemed like having him as a subject was a good choice at the time. Now I can't focus on the sounds, can't do the transcription. Instead, all I can think of is the laughter in his voice, the look in his eyes, the way his forehead wrinkled in concentration, trying so hard to read it right, to be helpful to me.

So I sit, in the dark, trying to ignore the sounds of life and happiness outside my little den of sorrow. Funny how the pain seems so much worse when the world doesn't correspond with how you're feeling.

Current Mood: crushed
Current Music: "Memories of You" by Ryan Adams

It is one of my favorite days/nights of the year -- Daylight Savings Time!! As of tonight, we get an additional hour of daylight every day. Gotta love it! Remember to set your clocks forward an hour...

Current Mood: happy

So, due to the extreme crappiness of my program, this school and the town of Moscow, I have decided to transfer back to CWU to finish my Master's. I've been in the process of doing this since the end of last semester, and am very excited about the change. Only 6 more weeks of living in Idaho. Huzzah!!

I've been accepted at Central (no surprise there), and am just waiting to hear about a graduate assistantship. I got an email from my contact today saying that they will be making their decisions this week and next, so I should be hearing from them soon. Woot!

Things are, I believe, beginning to look up. I have my housing situation (almost) figured out for the summer and next year. Next time I'm in Eburg, which will be about a week and a half, I'm going to go apply for an apartment with my friend Kaete. We found a nice place that does quarter-long leases, so we will be able to have a place until early September. After that, her parents are having a house built in town, so I'm going to move in there with her, her brother and two other people. YaY for more cost effective living!!

I haven't heard about jobs for the summer, but I'm not too worried. I've been keeping my eye on the listings in the classifieds online, and will be submitting applications ASAP. Damn, I should update my resume. Wonder if I still have one even... If worse comes to worse, however, I'm sure that I could get a job at Grant's Pizza, where I already know almost all of the employees, as well as the boss. It wouldn't be ideal, because it wouldn't be full time and it would be minimum wage, but something's better than nothing, right?

Anyway, I'll be sure to keep you all updated as to how things pan out!

Current Mood: hopeful
Current Music: "I Bet You Look Good On The Dance Floor" by Arctic Monkeys

I'm an idiot. I thought that I could make him love me. I thought that once I was honest, his past and all of his hurts wouldn't matter. That he wouldn't be able to not love me back. That he wouldn't be able to resist me and everything I think I have to give him. But I was wrong. I was conceited and self absorbed. Nothing I can do will ever change him. He's happy how he is. Well, maybe not happy, but certainly determined to keep himself closed off. Even from me. Maybe especially from me.

I know he doesn't love me. He says he never will. So why am I hanging on to him so tightly? Why don't I just get the message? He doesn't want to be with me and he's tried so hard to make me see that without straight out telling me and hurting me. But I keep alive this hope that he might change his mind, that he might see that I'm not like the others that have come before me in his life.

Current Mood: rejected

This makes me sad. I sent out a message on myspace, telling people that I have this account and if any of them wanted to check it out, to let me know and I'll tell them my username. Apparently, no one cares. That's kind of depressing...

So, I mailed in my application yesterday morning for a summer job with the city of Ellensburg. I really, really hope I get it, because it's hella good money. I also sent out an email to all of the people in the English department here at Idaho, asking if there's anyone interested in subletting my apartment for the summer. I have a lease until the end of July, and I can't get out of it. The plan as of now is that I'll be moving home (to Eburg) the weekend of May 13 and 14. I'm very excited about this. This means I'm making actual progress towards getting the HELL out of Idaho.

I was proud of myself today in my yoga class. We were doing the tree pose (where you balance on one leg), and I didn't fall over even once! I'm getting better at this stuff! Of course, we only have one more week of class. Apparently PE classes only last half the semester. But I'm starting my golf class after spring break. That should be fun/interesting.

I was eating some jelly beans my mom sent me for Valentine's Day, and I decided that they are now my newest pet peeve. They come in this great big bag, and they all look so fun and exciting, but once you get into them, you realize that there's no chart to tell you which flavors are which. So you're never sure if you're going to end up eating a strawberry daquiri, cherry or cinnamon. I disapprove heartily. It reminds me of last summer at the Harry Potter release party, when I was feeding Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans to kids. They knew some of them were vomit flavored, and they still ate them!

So, I've decided that I would set up an account here on LJ as a way to keep friends updated with what's going on with my life. And, more importantly, to vent some of my feeling and help organize my thoughts. I have a myspace account, which is more about keeping in touch with people and dicking around like that. This site is going to be more about me, I think. A place for me to actually be honest and get some things out. We'll see how it goes.